Real Men Don’t eat Quiche…or own cats

 

Zach,

I just started dating a guy a few months ago and while I was waiting for him to get out of the shower I snooped around a bit and I found out that he keeps a journal or diary or something. This struck me as a bit strange and maybe even a bit feminine. Should this worry me?

Sarah, 25, Seattle

Zach’s answer, infinite wisdom and opinionated response.

At the end of the day, I’m a pretty laid back “live and let live” guy, in fact if I wasn’t slightly megalomaniacal I’d nearly be a hippy. Before answering let me digress and first go over a few rules that men should observe and if they don’t should serve as warnings for those of the non XY variety.

I truly have no judgement on the whole metrosexual revolution . I say if you are a dude who likes his pedicures and relaxes by drinking a strawberry margarita while watching the Real Houswives of New Jersey….ride on you effeminate cowboy. . Makes the world go round.

But there are limits…Here is the list of men to avoid.

(Now these are sure to isolate and alienate some people, at that I say…stop being such a Sally and get over it. They’re just the opinionated convictions of some bald blogger and if they get your overly-sensitive sensibilities into a tizzy, than please refer to item #2)

1) Single Men who own Cats. It’s simple. Single men SHOULD NOT own cats. In my opinion there is nothing more erie than watching a guy stroke a cat on his lap unless he is a one eyed bond supervillian . Yes I realize that a man’s pet should have no reflection on him as a person, but in my experience, single male cat owners are the same guys that have limp handshakes, weird photos of other people’s grandmothers and a collection of knick-knacks that they bought at the retro 1950’s store. Avoid them and their cat urine-esque stench.

2) Guys who are overly sensitive. I’m not laying negative claim to gents in touch with their emotions or with a high “EQ” No I’m saying the guys whose upper lip trembles when you offer criticism, get drunk and cry over inane items, and those who get emotional during DeBeers commercials. A diamond may be forever, but your pride is not sir. (Please note: Crying during sad dog movies…I.E Old Yeller, Turner and Hooch,  etc..totally acceptable.)

3) Men who wear Salmon colored pants. Hell I’ll even expand this beyond fish named colors and say red pants as well. And I don’t care if you grew up in the vineyard or take golf trips on the cape. It’s unacceptable and morally, yes morally repugnant.  I don’t care if you operate a fight club out of your basement, eat raw meat for breakfast and sometimes sleep with Victorias secret models- If you rock out the salmon you  need to lay off the estrogen suppliments that you clearly have been spkining your bottles of Zima with.

Now the incredibly short answer- Some guys express themselves in differeng ways. I don’t think there is anything too wrong with keeping a “journal” as long as it’s never called a “diary” and it doesn’t have a small lock on it. Hell, Hemmingway kept a journal and to be crass that homeboy was manly as shit. So unless he writes about his growing affection towards  Fifi or proposing in an italian piazza with a overpriced rock- I wouldn’t worry about it. HOWEVER STOP SNOOPING. It’s not cool and never leads to anything good.

Now then- Bring on the hate mail from Siamese and Persian lovers worldwide.

Tags: drunk crying, male warning signs, men to avoid, men with cats, overly sensitive men, persian cats, real men, salmon colored pants, salmon pants, strange men, suck at life

Breakups, Makeups and Fried Chicken

 

Q:Hi Zach-
My boyfriend and I broke up after a huge fight this week. I’m more than upset and feel an overwhelming sadness. I also think that it’s probably for the best however. How do people just get over a relationship and move on?

Staci, Las Vegas

Zach’s verbally transitioning advice and insight.

A: I was  just thinking about some  of my old breakups in my personal life recently so this is a well placed question. Part of this commentary is sure to gain some critics out there but hey, C’est la vie, all is fair in love and writing a semi-contrived relationship Q&A….This particular answer is going to rapidly cycle from being heartfelt to scummy and than to practical. So keep aware, I warned you first.

Heartfelt commentary- Awwww, ooohhhh, Zach you sound so sensitive, warm and cuddly- (No, no just keep waiting for the next paragraph)   So here goes…If the breakup was  bad and oh-so- tough maybe  it’s not a good idea and there might be a way back. I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again, I am in the minority of people who actually believe that love is WAY  more important than all the other shit.. The real issue is that most people aren’t willing to put the work in that it deserves. We‘re a lazy culture and rather then put in effort we tend to abandon it quicker than a fat kid eats a bucket of kfc.   If you love somebody the reasons that you say “this relationship will never work..etc..etc..” are meaningless- Love isn’t.  So maybe first ask yourself if there is some way back? Maybe it is meant to be- who knows?

Maybe it isn’t though. Maybe it’s not the right person and it was never love, but rather; lust, security, attachment, her awesome dog who could fetch beer from the fridge, his awesome mustache… either way-

Step 1- No contact with them. Right now, you can’t be their friend or wear those awesome matching sweaters you had planned to on New Years eve.  Maybe in the future (not the sweaters…. Umm ever)  but not now. You need to heal and get over it. Keeping contact, calls, a quick hookup, texts back and forth just keep those toxic feelings in place and delay your moving on…. Cut off all ties.  After taking care of practicalities and being respectful (leftover stuff ..etc..) avoid them like a Nazi with herpes.

Step 2- Ahh the scummy part. The part that will be criticized….Take yourself out of the relationship arena for awhile, but casual sex- totally NOT frowned upon .(You lucky dogs) I am a huge proponent that meaningless sex CAN in fact be a good thing at times. A very good thing.  This is one of them.  In addition to being a great time, sometimes it’s just an awesome mood booster and a creature comfort (much like peanut butter or Ben and Jerry‘s Chubby Hubby Ice cream)  The bottom line is that it can be a great temporary distraction and a source of feel good endorphins.  As long as there is no attachment and BOTH parties know this….(Seriously BOTH PARTIES)  So yeah- what I’m saying is get your head out of that bag of Doritos, stop crying at DeBeers commercials and go get some ass.  ( Caveat: The overly sensitive may have issues with this, so for you people, don’t do it- heal first…)

Step 3- Work on yourself.  This is  one area I agree with all the rest of the “professional“ relationship therapists. Breakups are perfect  as a path towards self betterment. Tough to see now- Sure…But in the end they make you strive to reexamine yourself, help you to grow and make yourself a more well rounded person…(As well as the whole being single, casual sex thing as captioned above) So have at it. Go to the gym, take that zumba class, learn mandarin Chinese,  start that underground fight club you always wanted- whatever it is that floats your boat all while getting to know you and what you want out of your life better.  You’ll come out of the other side of that tunnel a better person and hopefully one who is ready to at some point be in a better relationship.

Side Note: This post is not meant to be mean towards fat kids. I understand that kfc can be crispy and delicious. I truly do.  This post was written after walking down the street and seeing a morbidly obese eleven year old eating a bucket of it whilst standing and sweating profusely in 20 degree weather. I just don’t want you to have a heart attack little fat kid, that’s all- it was written out of concern for you and what I hope won’t be a life of poorly-fitting suits.

Tags: being single, breakups and casual sex, fat kids, fat kids love fried chicken, fried chicken, getting over ex, handling a breakup, healing a broken heart, how to breakup easily, love and loss, people are lazy

The future was wide open….

Hey Zach,

I recently got into online dating sites and am liking it, but I think dating is going to change in the future with all the new programs out there. how do you think today’s guy’s should prep for the future of dating?

Mark, 22, Texas

Zach’s contempt, sarcasm and plucky top five list!

Well, Put on your best matrix style trenchcoat and clean up your flying car from all those McMoon Burger wrappers, you cosmic sailor. Tonight, you’ll be taking your special lady friend for Astro-beers. Yeah, not so much. If only the future was like an awesome 70’s porn movie we’d all be shacked up with tin foil clad go-go dancers at a club on mars listening to progressive Japanese funk music, but it‘s not. I do however have a top five list of ways to prep for the dating- future, but first, I’m going to rant and rave and enjoy my soapbox. (Yet again)

See, the way things are moving is actually away from human to human contact. Through a mixture of technology, virtual reality, and pharmaceuticals the next era will be that of limited in-person interaction. Basically we’ll be living through V.R. and emotion based medications.

What happened is we all recently got sick of one another and decided screw it, we want machine registers at drug-stores, body scanners rather then doctors, telecommuting rather than offices, kindle rather than bookstores and internet TV rather then movie stores or theaters. All of this coupled with the profitability of continued “Home technological solutions” have already effectively reduced necessary human to human interaction. Now, that still leaves some base needs for things. Luckily, there is big money to be made in pharmaceuticals and rather then say… curing disease some of our top research minds are currently figuring out ways to fuck with our head. Yup, right now there is sponsored research to create pills that mimic the feeling of relationship satisfaction (love drugs that aren’t MDMA) and even more oddly intriguing or creepy the medication-based orgasm…Tune in, turn on and get off??

Whoever is first to produce the latter will be a stock you’ll want in on if the online porn industry is any indication of success.

Finally though, here is my list of ways to prep for the future of dating:

1) Get a job in emerging tech. Money will still rule and those with it will be able to get longer lasting orgasm pills. Everything but emerging tech will be outsourced to the spooky machines you get to create!

2) Blow away the dating competition- Your VR identity shouldn’t be the same Blasé Brad Pitt, or for that matter Josh Grobin look-alike, no your VR persona needs to set you apart from the pack- So create yours to look like Bronson Pinchot…Nobody will get more ass in the future then Balky Bartochomas. Trust me.

3) Brush up and perfect your lexicon. LOL is childs-play in the future. You don’t need to expend precious energy on sentences, who does? Picking up a girl at a virtual bar will be as easy as saying “WDYHOMHAWCMSSL?” (Why don’t you hop on my hoverboard and we can make sweet sweet love?)

4) There will still be no Vampires in the future. So please stop watching Twilight, True Blood, and Vampire diaries immediately. Also stop shopping at hot topic so we can just end this lame fad.

5) If none of the above entices or interests you, just move to Alabama. I promise, nothing there will change.

See you all in Bama???

Tags: digital orgasm, digital romance, future girlfriend, love in the future, love pills, robot love, sex in the future, stop vampire fad, virtual reality dating, virtual romance

For the love of the game

Hey Zach,

My BF is a hugely obsessive  sports guy. Most days we have to watch some game and I’m getting sick and tired of it. Is there anything I can do to have him watch fewer sports?  I just want a few hours of TV. time back!  How do I even approach the subject?

 Gina, 26 F,   Minneapolis

Zach’s offensive rhetoric (and apologies) to the dudes out there.  

I was going to attempt to write this without alienating nor offending my male readership, but alas I just can’t. Damn you integrity.  So guys, if you want to hear me ripping into sports fanaticism and degrading your love of the game keep reading. Otherwise don’t take this personally as it’s the opinion of one man and simply that and so just stop here.

You see I tend to be a” dude’s dude” in every way EXCEPT when it comes to sports watching. (With the exception of Hockey as there are fights in hockey)  I just feel that there are around eight hundred better things that I can be doing with my time then watching groups of men I don’t know grope each other in tight special suits while throwing a ball around with the intensity of a hyper cocker spaniel.  

 My second thought is that the true fanatics of the world are just lazy folks who rather than breaking a sweat themselves in the pursuit of glory sit on their ass eating Doritos while “their team” of individuals (whom they have never met)   lead the exciting lives that they wish they could if only they had a even a pinch of motivation.  But hey- we’re a sedentary country and everybody needs something right?  I suppose it beats crack.

Let me say this once to you- you will never get him to stop watching sports so the only thing you can do is compromise. Don’t be one of those girls who fakes trying to get into sports for your guy. EVER. You just come off as weak and tacky and you’ll even end up resenting the hours and hours you waste trying to validate his likes before your own.  When he’s watching go out, take time to do stuff you like and leave him be.  He’ll respect you for it.

  If he hogs the T.V. let him know that there is a back-side- For each day he gets to watch sports, make sure there is a day that you get to watch more chick-friendly programming.(If that’s what you are into)   Doesn’t matter what it is, or how many times the word “Fierce” is aired.

 There is one exception to this and of course and that is the lifetime network. Lifetime is a cruel man-hating network with black blood flowing through the darkened hearts of its producers. Sometimes, I even hope Meredith Baxter gets gonorrhea. Yeah, that’s right, I said it.  Don’t ever subject a guy to this male bashing; it’s barbaric and unusual torture that should be placed right up there alongside water boarding and dental work.  

Long story short- Let him watch what he wants, but also let him know that you get your time too.

Tags: baseball romance, less baseball more sex, lifetime network is the devil, meredith baxter, sports fanatics, television and dating, tv time

Leaving the 50′s and learning to disco.

Hi Zach,

Thank you for taking my question. I have semi-limited sexual experience but, have been sexually active with a woman for the past month. I can tell she is already bored, she yawned several times the last time we did it. I need some help.  My only strategy has been to pick up some adult-oriented videos. Any suggestions on how to make myself more interesting?

Mitch 33, Des Moines

Whoa there sport.  First an announcement- My last post had over 6200 readers, I should feel honored, but rather I slightly wonder what is wrong with you folks? I wanted to take a moment to say thanks for reading and provide my deepest condolences to your psychologists.

Now I typically try to shy away from answering any of your questions about sex, because it tends to get me in trouble with people. The ridiculous part of this statement is that the average 18-29 yr old American has sex 112 times per year. The same average American reads 12 books per year, so as a society we have sex 9 xs more than we read, yet nobody gives me shit about discussing Brett Easton Ellis’s latest novel. Hypocrites. (and Philistines)   Moral being that if I am offending your better sensitivities please leave this page and head back to the nunnery.

Without further adieu….Just like the clap, the best solution is usually prevention. My philosophy is that you should never bring out all your “moves” right away. If anything I have always thought it best to keep things plain and vanilla for awhile at first. Then later on start  incorporating more and more into the repertoire as it keeps things fresh and it keeps her intrigued and wondering “Where did that suddenly come from?” and  “I wonder what else he might have up his sleeve.” Be an item of intrigue!!!   So before you start contemplating the reverse Korean jumping helicopter  or dressing up like a Guatemalan pool boy,  ask yourself, can I postpone this for a few more times?

Second- (Again stop reading if you are offended) I don’t think I would recommend porn as a study aid for you or others in the situation.  In my experience most porn is typically oriented towards men so unless you think she’s only into hours of fellatio and doggy-style; it might not go over well. Instead, pick up some books and try to brush up on some technique. Maybe surprise her with one of them next time. Always keep in mind that sex is mental as much it is physical and keeping some intrigue and something saved for a rainy day, is not a bad thing.

Third- I can tell sexuality embarrasses you a bit- This might be a problem in and of itself. I mean you referred to porn as “Adult oriented Movies”.  Keep something in mind, sex is sex, it’s normal, healthy and fun.  Having an attitude that it’s some sort of taboo topic probably will keep you boring. Go explore it man.

Tags: bedroom antics, better sex, guatemalan pool boy, interesting sex, saving for a rainy day, Sex, sex and morality, sexuality, studying porn

S is for short skirts-

Dear Zach,

My ex-boyfriend always loved when I would wear skirts and a tube top. I’m dating a new guy and need something he’ll find sexy- What’s the best look currently that most men find attractive? Any specific outfits that you would recommend for a sexy look right now?

Diana.  24yrs.  Augusta, Ga

Zach’s complete lack of knowledge yet snarky answer.

A sexy look right now? Well, I know that I personally tried to dress so that I didn’t look like a Cosmo mag today.  Apparently I failed.

Why would I know this? Women’s fashion is something I know nothing about. I barely understand Men’s fashion.  My wardrobe is expertly organized based on which girl I had take me shopping as going on my own would mean a disaster of epic sartorial proportions. It’s thanks to these kind (and patient) souls that I don’t go to fine restaurants in nothing but zebra striped shoes and rain hats.

I can still help with your question however.  You want to know what the sexiest thing you can wear is…? It’s self confidence. Yup- this sounds like something Sesame street might teach you, but I’m feeling chipper today and in a uplifting “sesame street” sort of mood; that is if Elmo loved leopard prints and Spanx.   Today’s letter is H and H is for sexy hemlines.

The tacky aspect of the above thought doesn’t negate it as the truth- If you look at what men find sexy you have to realize that there is no style to it- it’s always about the girl who wears it and personal subjectivity. This is why there is so much diversity in porn. Do you think there is any difference between:  “The Sexy Librarian”  “The Sexy Nurse” the “Sexy Businesswomen” the “Sexy Rocker”  “the Sexy Teacher” the “Sexy police-woman” etc…Etc…Etc…    None of these ideals have any similarity in dress or style – You find a confident girl and dress her in anything and we will find some way to into sexualize it, I don’t care if she works as the plumber at a burrito shop in Tijuana.

Find what works for you and you’ll probably find what works for him too- There is nothing sexier than a women who seems like she knows what she’s doing- even if she doesn’t.   Worse case scenario I have yet to meet a dude that wouldn’t exchange most clothing options for nudity.   In the meantime here are some personal dislikes.  Those of you who know me have heard these before.

Zach’s fashion dont’s:

1)      Gladiator shoes- These are only acceptable if you plan on doing battle. Intense battle with tigers and shit.  Leave em in the closet Spartacus.

2)      UGS- I shouldn’t have to list this- the trend should have died a bloody and painful death. It didn’t. It’s still being propagated by some false myth that it looks good. It does- On Eskimos.

3)      Rompers- Are best reserved for early 90’s TV stars like Stephanie on full house and Clarissa from Clarissa explains it all. Even the name makes them sound like they were intended for an 8 yr old boy or 40 year old truck driver.

4)       Front clasping Bras. I don’t know- they just take the fun out of things. (Yeah this one is prob subjective but,  I’m not being Misogynistic, just honest)

Tags: confidence is sexy, confident women, dressing sexy, fashion for women, fashion tips, front clasping bras, leopard print, male views on fashion, rompers are ugly, Sexy clothes, short skirts, Uggs suck, what men like

Offline Dating, Online BS

 

Hey Zach,

My girlfriend and I have a lot of fun and have been dating for a couple of months now. I changed my status of Facebook to say “In a relationship” but she hasn’t. WTF? Does it mean she isn’t that in to me? Should I change my status back? What now?

Dave- 32 Minneapolis

 

Zach’s wisdom, knowledge and advice to someone who is 32 going on 14.

Let me make one thing clear before we begin. I LOVE social media and that is because I own an advertising agency.  The marketing capabilities are immense and effective. So that preface out of the way- Stop being such a little sally.   I have a theory that if you are in an offline relationship it should stay offline without any worry or care over social networking shenanigans.  (Public Relations Pros might scorn me for saying that given our “Social media policy” filled world, but I believe life substance and character is more important than image- Call me crazy)

Let’s put aside the fact that twitter will be responsible for the next generation of illiterate youth who can’t  write more than 160 characters and whose attention span doesn’t last longer than a youtube video of a Panda sneezing- You know what the real truth behind the  social networking veil is? It’s that most of it is based on people with very low self esteem looking for external validation. Check out my new “Favorite link”  “Like My fanpage”  “Follow where I am going tonight” “Help me milk an anorexic cow on my FB farm” You know what all of these people are saying if you read in between the lines?

“Please pay attention to me, I am not sure if I am good/cool/popular/attractive/nice/interesting/smart enough unless I have X amount of friends who comment on my latest tweet/status/digg/article/link/location.  Validate me, validate me, validate me, accept me, accept me, accept me.”

  Don’t be one of these people.  Validate yourself with real life human to human interaction.  Stop looking for others to boost you up.

Worry about how she treats you in the real world and leave the online space to things you should pay attention to Like; Porn.  Insurance quotes. Porn.  Bejeweled,  videos of silly dogs. Stock quotes. That “chocolate rain” singer and his smooth buttery voice… etc.

If you still can’t grow a pair and really have an issue with it and it can’t be expressed in a   tweet, I would let her know that it is a concern and that it bothers you,  even if this does make it sound like you were breastfed until you were nine.

 P.S. – For those of you saying “But Zach, I found your site on facebook/twitter/digg/linkedin..does  that mean I’m looking for validation?”   The answer is no. Totally not.  

P.S.S Also to all of you asking that, I totally loved your status today and just haven’t had the time to comment on it.

 

Tags: dating status, facebook dating, need for validation, sneezing panda, social acceptance, social media relationships, social networking, status updates, twitter dating, validate me, validation

When PB&J Goes bad….

My new boyfriend loves to cook but is just awful at it. I love that he goes through the work, but the food is inedible.  He is really proud of  it too, what do I do?

Li  in Miami

Zach’s lack of an appetite and Steps for Success

It’s amazing to me just how many people are completely clueless when it comes to their self-perception about looks and skills.  The short list begins with Fat men in Speedos, bypasses every failed American Idol contestant, moves to all attorneys and ends with Dane Cook. (My opinions, my blog, deal with it.)

This question hits an issue that I have commented on several times before; the fragile little egos of men and how quickly they can be destroyed.  Here is a five step plan of attack for dealing with this issue without stomping on his ego….for now-

Step one- Learn that salt is your best friend and apply it liberally.

Step two- Before he starts cooking ask him to make something that YOU LOVE, which also involves very little actual cooking -I.E “Honey, you make the best Mac N’ Cheese” why don’t you whip that up instead of the Osso Bucco you were planning? Feel Free to request PB&J, or scrambled eggs, but if he screws that up- start hoarding granola bars or  those dried “space meals” in a hidden location. (I think Old Navy is now selling these BTW- I should be asking for marketing $$)

Step 3- Infiltration: Start leaving little hints that his cooking could use a brush-up. Buy him a new cookbook or three that are heavy on technique and light on recipes OR sign up for some cooking classes you can do “together”, because “YOU” need a brush-up.

Step 4- Take charge. Get home early and order pizza, plan more meals out, or start cooking things for him. If you don’t give him the opportunity to fuck up that truffle risotto he can’t.  Start beating him to the punch with food.

Step 5- The final phase. There is a time to crush egos and start looking out for number 1. If nothing has worked thus far it’s time for constructive criticism. By constructive I mean it solves your problem and your problem only. Tell him the cooking is not good, and it makes you dry heave just thinking about it. Now compliment him on something else he does well.  For example “Hey baby, you were amazing last night, but the pancakes this morning weren’t fit for a starved shipwreck victim whose last meal was over a week ago.  See how nicely you balanced things? Best of luck to you and your stomach!

P.S -When I say that lawyers don’t have an accurate sense of Self perception it’s only because it’s hard to perceive one’s self when one has no image in a mirror.

P.S.S.- If you are at attorney reading this- let me state that my opinion that you may be a soulless vampire who by the year loses more and more of your own pallid humanity is strictly an opinion and not a statement of fact.

Tags: Bad chef, bad cook, bad food, cooking boyfriend, cooking for couples, dating recipe book, fat me in speedos, fragile egos, lawyers are vampires

Breaking the bank

I’ve been with my girlfriend for three years and recently, we got engaged. This started a lot of intense conversations about our future, one being whether we should move all of our money into a joint bank account. It sounds like a great way to save and share costs, do you agree?

26, Newark, NJ

Zach’s Brilliant relation-financial advice.

Yeah you totally should do it. You should also start sharing underwear and merge Facebook profiles by mashing both of your names together  like a non-famous and less attractive version of Brangelina. Once that step is completed, buy a kiddie leash so neither of you ever has to be independent from the other until the sweet embrace of your premature demise….

Having just a joint account in my eyes is a splendid little road to ruin. Here is what will happen: It will start with a few odd charges that one of the two of you will question, followed by a light-hearted and joke filled discussion. Next, it will happen again, this time with a little more emotion and a little less lightheartedness. Down the road you will each question every single purchase the other one makes, if someone buys a high ticket item the other individual will feel entitled to do the same and even more arguments will ensue. Little things will constantly come into question, gift giving and vacations will become an exercise in vapidity and all of it will either lead you to break up, need counseling or most likely create a long lasting and potentially permanent resentment.

The effect of merging romance and finance is a lot like the private bathroom at a Sexaholics anonymous meeting- Someone is always getting screwed and yet both people walk away still unsatisfied. My recommendation is to have your own accounts for your personal needs, personal luxuries, gifts to the other etc…Open a joint account that you both can contribute to on a monthly basis for things like groceries,  and certain fixed monthly bills . As far as money management goes having a safety account you both put a few bucks into every month for a little nest egg is also never a bad idea either as a joint investment. I could go on and on with financial advice to couples, but I’m busy, don’t care all that much and have to go eat a sandwich or something

Tags: banks and love, finance and romance, financial planning couples, joint checking account, joint savings account, no romance without finance, relationship banking, relationship financial advice, relationship money problems, sexaholics anonymous

Pee-ceful new roomate

 

Dear Zach,

My GF and I just moved in together a few weeks ago. She has sleeping problems and so on occasion takes ambien.  I’ve noticed on three separate occasions when she takes the pill that she wakes up in the middle of the night to pee in the kitchen garbage can. How would you bring this up and further-more, fix it?

 Zach’s hysterical laughter, wisdom, and marketing ideas.

A: C’mon, is this real???   I can tell you that while she may pee in the garbage can, I am quite positive I just did in my pants.  I do believe you though, I actually had a friend who had similar Ambien issues, but instead of late night urination he would order strange and obscure things online and have no recollection he ordered them.  I remember he once came home to a bunch of incredibly large packages at his door and  found; Two Frisbees with imprinted pictures of his face, 24 cans of sauerkraut, and a bear-skin rug.  I’m not going to lie, I’ve wanted an Ambien script ever since.

Back to you though- Ummm.  Wow. That is a tough and I imagine smelly predicament. At least it’s in the Garbage can??   I think my first move would be to probably buy her a litter box.  Or a pair of depends.  My second recommendation is the next time she does it roll up a newspaper while sternly yelling   “No! Bad!” and then maybe wipe her nose in it.

I think approaching the subject very openly and with a bit of NON-judgmental humor is best.  Bring it up gently, whether it’s the ambien or not, she is going to be embarrassed.  I mean seriously-  Let her know that “It’s” happening, and that it doesn’t bother you in the slightest as you “know it’s just the ambien”. Maybe make one or two jokes about it and see how she takes it, again, gentle playful jokes at first.  As far as fixing it, I think that might be something for her to discuss with her Dr. – I think we can all tell, I am certainly not qualified to give medical advice.  If all else fails, maybe it’s just a subtle hint that it’s time to add more toilets to the house and buy some rubber sheets. 

(P.S. if there is a Rubber Sheet company out there that wants to use this post as part of an amazing youtube viral video marketing campaign,  I will totally release all copyrights)

Tags: adult depends, adult diapers, Awkward dating, girlfriend pee, living together, moving in together, New Roommate, Night pee, rubber sheets, toilet problems