Q:Hi Zach-
My boyfriend and I broke up after a huge fight this week. I’m more than upset and feel an overwhelming sadness. I also think that it’s probably for the best however. How do people just get over a relationship and move on?
Staci, Las Vegas
Zach’s verbally transitioning advice and insight.
A: I was just thinking about some of my old breakups in my personal life recently so this is a well placed question. Part of this commentary is sure to gain some critics out there but hey, C’est la vie, all is fair in love and writing a semi-contrived relationship Q&A….This particular answer is going to rapidly cycle from being heartfelt to scummy and than to practical. So keep aware, I warned you first.
Heartfelt commentary- Awwww, ooohhhh, Zach you sound so sensitive, warm and cuddly- (No, no just keep waiting for the next paragraph) So here goes…If the breakup was bad and oh-so- tough maybe it’s not a good idea and there might be a way back. I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again, I am in the minority of people who actually believe that love is WAY more important than all the other shit.. The real issue is that most people aren’t willing to put the work in that it deserves. We‘re a lazy culture and rather then put in effort we tend to abandon it quicker than a fat kid eats a bucket of kfc. If you love somebody the reasons that you say “this relationship will never work..etc..etc..” are meaningless- Love isn’t. So maybe first ask yourself if there is some way back? Maybe it is meant to be- who knows?
Maybe it isn’t though. Maybe it’s not the right person and it was never love, but rather; lust, security, attachment, her awesome dog who could fetch beer from the fridge, his awesome mustache… either way-
Step 1- No contact with them. Right now, you can’t be their friend or wear those awesome matching sweaters you had planned to on New Years eve. Maybe in the future (not the sweaters…. Umm ever) but not now. You need to heal and get over it. Keeping contact, calls, a quick hookup, texts back and forth just keep those toxic feelings in place and delay your moving on…. Cut off all ties. After taking care of practicalities and being respectful (leftover stuff ..etc..) avoid them like a Nazi with herpes.
Step 2- Ahh the scummy part. The part that will be criticized….Take yourself out of the relationship arena for awhile, but casual sex- totally NOT frowned upon .(You lucky dogs) I am a huge proponent that meaningless sex CAN in fact be a good thing at times. A very good thing. This is one of them. In addition to being a great time, sometimes it’s just an awesome mood booster and a creature comfort (much like peanut butter or Ben and Jerry‘s Chubby Hubby Ice cream) The bottom line is that it can be a great temporary distraction and a source of feel good endorphins. As long as there is no attachment and BOTH parties know this….(Seriously BOTH PARTIES) So yeah- what I’m saying is get your head out of that bag of Doritos, stop crying at DeBeers commercials and go get some ass. ( Caveat: The overly sensitive may have issues with this, so for you people, don’t do it- heal first…)
Step 3- Work on yourself. This is one area I agree with all the rest of the “professional“ relationship therapists. Breakups are perfect as a path towards self betterment. Tough to see now- Sure…But in the end they make you strive to reexamine yourself, help you to grow and make yourself a more well rounded person…(As well as the whole being single, casual sex thing as captioned above) So have at it. Go to the gym, take that zumba class, learn mandarin Chinese, start that underground fight club you always wanted- whatever it is that floats your boat all while getting to know you and what you want out of your life better. You’ll come out of the other side of that tunnel a better person and hopefully one who is ready to at some point be in a better relationship.
Side Note: This post is not meant to be mean towards fat kids. I understand that kfc can be crispy and delicious. I truly do. This post was written after walking down the street and seeing a morbidly obese eleven year old eating a bucket of it whilst standing and sweating profusely in 20 degree weather. I just don’t want you to have a heart attack little fat kid, that’s all- it was written out of concern for you and what I hope won’t be a life of poorly-fitting suits.
Tags: being single, breakups and casual sex, fat kids, fat kids love fried chicken, fried chicken, getting over ex, handling a breakup, healing a broken heart, how to breakup easily, love and loss, people are lazy
